Excerpt from Chapter 5
I remember it well, a self-esteem workshop for women with about 20 to 25 in attendance.
        “How is everybody doing?” I asked.
        “Great,” said the women.
After finishing preliminary issues, the discussion started. Before long, everybody was relaxed and freely sharing their thoughts and feelings. Then a woman sitting up front made a comment that triggered many of the other women in the room to nod in agreement.
        “You see, I don’t have those kinds of problems; my best friends are men,” she said.
        “I really don’t like women,” said another woman.
        “They’re so messy,” said a voice from the back of the room.
I found myself cringing as I heard those ugly, maligning remarks that many of us use when talking about women. At that point, I asked for a show of hands as to how many women felt the same way. Sadly, but not surprisingly, almost every hand shot up. Not wanting to get completely off track, I suggested that we would save this for another workshop.
        “Why do we give each other such a hard time?” I recall asking myself.
        Looking back, I have asked myself that question many times without giving any serious thought to an answer. Writing about it now, I would like to believe that women, who say cruel and hurtful things about other women, do not realize the pain they inflict. I just do not believe that a woman would deliberately hurt another woman unless there was some secondary gain, like feeling better about oneself.
        This chapter brings me to the third and final way many women Shortchange themselves – by the lack of unconditional positive regard and respect for oneself and others. A goal of this chapter is to remind women that the words, attitude, and behavior many of us project toward other women are oppressive in nature.
        I have noticed that women who use the most indelicate words or criticisms against other women are also those who are the most insecure or troubled. In a sort of sad way, it is as if disparaging another female empowers her to feel better about herself. Unfortunately, it has become common practice to use a variety of words and phrases to brand each other as deceptive and cunning. These include:

• You just can’t trust a woman.
• They’ll stab you in the back every time.
• She’s a real bitch.
• She slept her way to the top.
• She looks like a cheap “Ho”.
• She will steal your man.

        “Twenty-four-year-old Tori is a young woman who came in for counseling because, “I have been angry for a long time and I don’t want to feel like this anymore.” One story she told puts a face on some of her anger. When she was 16 years old, she started seeing 17-year-old Patrick, a boy from her school. One day she was horrified when she was verbally attacked by two girls; one of the girls identified herself as Patrick’s girlfriend. Above their screams, she tried to tell them that she didn’t realize he had a girlfriend. She apologized to the girl and refused to see Patrick again.
        “Things turned worse when she discovered that the same two girls were spreading malicious rumors that she had somehow “tricked” Patrick into dating her. She was both “disgusted and angered” by the many lies she heard that were obviously intended to shame her and make her an outcast. What was most hurtful was seeing her girlfriends betray her and rally around Patrick and his ex-girlfriend. “It took a while for the lies to stop. I was a mess after that. Many times, I hid out in the bathroom because I could not stand to see people pointing and whispering about me. I guess it was during that time that I stopped trusting people, especially women,” she said.
        “I pointed out to Tori that she had projected her anger onto all females while not holding Patrick accountable for his betrayal. She did not blame all males for Patrick’s actions, but seemed to have little difficulty being angry with all females. She admitted that she did not hold animosity toward men because she had expected more from girls since she had always believed that girls were nicer than boys.
        “Many of us remember days of old when a girl’s behavior was seen as simply catty or gossipy. Looking back, some girls were obviously hurt by this so-called harmless rhetoric or idle chitchat. Since we know better now, maybe we can emphasize to our daughters that, if everyone isn’t laughing, it’s not funny. Also, sugar, spice, and everything nice is really just a nursery rhyme.

How Did This Happen

As children, we’re exposed to many of the ideas, feelings, attitudes, and prejudices held by our parents – mothers in particular – and reinforced by society. Without anyone realizing it, we absorbed and copied what we observed or experienced. Any labels or stereotypes about females we picked up were stored in our memory banks. By the time we reached adolescence we had an arsenal of sexist tools and practices to use whenever we felt threatened or upset by each other.
        As we matured, what we had been exposed to helped establish the basis for how we viewed ourselves and other females. In addition, in the final analysis, how we treat others is a reflection of the opinions or conclusions we have about ourselves.
        Not all girls were reared in environments where they were exposed to the devaluation of women. Instead, some grew up knowing that there were as many trustworthy, kind, respectful, and supportive women, as there were those who were angry, rude, and insulting. A girl who is taught to respect herself is unlikely to engage in behavior that demoralizes other females.

Anything but Sugar and Spice