The Power of Parenting - Use It or Lose Them
Tips For Living After The Divorce
Relationships: Guidelines for Becoming a Great Partner
by Nancy T. Whitaker, LCSW
With the high rate of breakups and failed marriages today, one would think that we social beings would have little faith in our ability to have successful relationships. Or that we would give up on the idea of having one. That could not be further from the truth. In spite of the doubts and challenges we have about our ability to sustain relationships, we still have an unwavering desire and need to partner with another. The pain, heartache and financial burdens that often result from breakups and divorces are not enough to discourage our quest for love. Even those of us who voice low tolerance for commitment or vow to never marry again, before long, eagerly seek another relationship.
What is it about being a couple that most of us so desperately seek? Perhaps being a couple fulfills some of our most basic human needs - the need to partner and the need for intimacy. It is true; there is nothing else in the world that makes us feel as whole and complete as a satisfying relationship with the man or woman we love.
Since relationships mean so much to us, why do we fail at making them last? One thing for sure, no one sets out to fail at love or to sabotage their relationship. We give many different answers for why we don’t sustain our relationships including, “I married the wrong person.” “He/she wasn't marriage material.” Or, “We just weren't compatible.” Rarely do we hear the real reason, “We lacked the skills to make our relationship work.”
The fact of the matter is none of us were born with the knowledge or skills needed to build and sustain a relationship. As a result, we have to recognize and acknowledge that we just don't have the necessary tools and information needed for healthy relationships. If we are to have successful relationships, we must be open and willing to learn and practice healthier patterns of thought and behavior in order to grow our relationship. Just as we learned to walk or drive a car, we have to invest in ourselves and in our relationships.
The Power of Parenting - Use It or Lose Them
by Nancy T. Whitaker, LCSW
It’s been said that the future for society is our children. Assuming this statement is true, the responsibility for our future lies squarely on the shoulders of parents. Parents have the incredible responsibility of shaping and molding the lives of their children. This responsibility translates in to power - the power to shape society and the world, by shaping the values and behavior of their children.
On the surface this sounds like an awesome task; but it’s also a challenge for parents to provide guidance and direction - to shape and mold their children. Once upon a time, it seemed easier to be a parent but the issues facing today’s parents are harder than ever. However, not everything is as dismal as it sounds; the good thing is that every parent wants to raise children who are fit for life. In working toward this goal, there are several questions to ask yourself:
(1) Do I model the behavior (morals & values) that I want my son or daughter to copy?
(2) Do I spend long hours working to provide social and physical things for my children but neglect giving them my time, attention and Christian values?
(3) Am I more of a friend to my children than a parent?
(4) Do I give my children mixed messages, saying one thing but doing another?
(5) Do I have rules for my children? Are they clearly stated, consistent and enforced?
(6) Knowing that a lazy child is difficult to teach; do I teach my children to work?
Just because raising children has become more complicated, don’t assume that the Lord will not hold you responsible for their behavior. We, as parents, really do have the obligation and power to raise children who will be up to the task of shaping our society – our world.
Tips For Living After The Divorce
by Nancy T. Whitaker, LCSW
1. Mourn the end of the marriage.
(a) Talk about the ending of the marriage and the losses associated with it.
(b) Identify the role you had in the breakup. This helps to stop the blaming.
(c) Compartmentalize your pain; don’t let it take over your life.
2. Honor and protect the children.
(a) Depending on your child’s age, talk to them about what’s going on.
(b) Let them know it is not their fault.
(c) Acknowledge that it will be painful, but with time the pain will lessen.
(d) Encourage them to talk about their feelings. Counseling can be an option.
(e) Do not let guilt stop you from being the parent.
(f) Continue to set limits and have expectations for their behavior.
(g) Do what you can to make them feel secure and protected.
(h) Do not demonize your ex to the child (ren).
(i) Do not bring a new partner into the relationship too soon.
3. Increase your self-esteem.
(a) Frame this time as a new beginning.
(b) Get to know yourself again. (Likes/dislikes - strengths/weaknesses).
(c) Attach value to yourself. Do only those things that bring meaning and healing to your life.
(d) Do a physical and psychological makeover.
4. Develop a support system.
(a) Reach out to family and friends.
5. Be patient – ‘this too shall pass.’
(a) Allow adequate time to grieve the loss.
(b) Journal about your thoughts and feelings.
(c) Get proper rest and relaxation.
(d) Counseling can be an option.
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