| | | | | | | | | | | | | Articles |
| |
| |
Increasing the Odds of Becoming a Partner
Is It True That Men Are Intimidated By Successful Women?
Relationships: Guidelines for Becoming a Great Partner
The Power of Parenting - Use It or Lose Them
Tips For Living After The Divorce
Increasing the Odds of Becoming a Partner?
by Nancy T. Whitaker, LCSW
I'm often saddened when I hear stories from women who are unhappy and some even angry that they aren't successful in their quest to find single men who share their desire for a serious relationship. Why is it so difficult? Sometimes, I would like to suggest that maybe it's something she is doing or not doing. But I often hesitate to say anything. I've learned that anyone "convinced against their will is unconvinced still." And besides, maybe that day I don't want to hear, "it's easy for you; you have a husband; you don't understand." As a therapist who is often in the company of women, I border, sometimes, on feeling guilty that I'm not doing enough help them.
But I do understand. While I can and do validate her experience, I won't join the collective mind set of finger-pointing and blaming men for failing women or for women failing men. Casting blame doesn't change the situation. If I join her in her angst it's doubtful we'll facilitate the change she needs but frequently doesn't recognize that need. I have a vested interest in helping women and men prepare themselves to find a partner, if that's what they want. God knows we need the stability that healthy marriages and relationships provide in our homes, community and nation. Without a doubt, healthy couples are the foundation for that stability. It starts with each person taking personal responsibility and making sensible choices; it may also mean letting go of a pattern of thinking that can keep anyone mired in place of gloom and doom.
Suggestions for increasing the odds of becoming a partner:
1. What you focus on most is what you will see and even attract. If the average woman truly believes that the majority of men are "immature" and "screwed up," how does she expect to get anything different than that? We tend to get in life what we focus on. Stop making the knuckle heads and bad boys the center of your conversation.
2. It does appear that men more than women enjoy being unattached or uncoupled. Let's face it; men don't grow up dreaming of walking down the aisle wearing a tuxedo. So, whether we like it or not, women simply have to work harder to help men want to be married. Clearly, men have mastered working hard in seducing women and getting what they want, even if it is simply giving flowers and dinner. Women simply have to take a page from the man's play book, work harder to get the man in a relationship and marriage, but start with building a friendship.
3. Rather than wasting time blaming men for why you can't find suitable mates try the following:
- Take an in-depth look at self - acknowledge your flaws and work to change them.
- Let go of the toxic thinking that binds you in "woe is me" thinking. Remind yourself that the attitude is the father or mother of the action.
- Become more discerning in making choices. When a man shows you who he is, believe him.
- Women spend far too much time rationalizing why someone is the way they are; simply let him be, but without you. No matter how you crook a duck's neck, you won't get a swan.
- Identify what you want and stick with it. If you say you want steak, why are you in the hamburger line?
4. Men are motivated by what they want from a woman. It is the woman's responsibility to discern the reasons he's with her. If it's only for sex, fulfilling his wish will make you like every other woman he has left mad and alone. Learn and use different behaviors that will stop men from taking advantage of you.
Men have taught me that they want a woman who is very attractive and sexy; someone with a fun and pleasant personality and who shares his interests. He wants her to see him as the only one and not consider him as a last resort. They clearly don't want a woman who has a reputation of dating anyone who comes along.
Is It True That Men Are Intimidated By Successful Women?
by Nancy T. Whitaker, LCSW
For years now, I've heard women say, "I don't have a man because they are intimidated by my success and independence; I'm not going to lower my standards just to have a man in my life."
While some women may believe this, it seems a little naive to believe that a man would dismiss a woman solely because he feels threatened by her success. Whether these women are correct or not, it is their perception. I can see how this kind of thinking can make it difficult for these women to look honestly at other possibilities to explain why they might be alone.
I know that there are many well-educated, hard-working and attractive women who are having terrible luck when it comes to finding and keeping a man. Could it be that men really do feel threatened by these women and therefore don't want to be with them? Do successful women believe that because of their accomplishments men should, automatically, be attracted to them?
My experiences have led me to believe that a woman's success or lack of success is not the determining factor for making a man feel something for her. While her success may add to her appeal it will not create that appeal. I believe can be a mistake for women to believe that a man is not likely to be interested in her simply because he is threatened by what she considers her success. I believe a primary factor that influences a man’s attraction to a woman has to do with how he feels about himself when he is in her company - her space. The woman who understands this, along with how to attract a man and how to create the right situation for love to grow, will not have to concern herself with whether or not he is intimidated by her independence or success.
The same is true for men; while women may care about a man’s status or ranking, what moves her is how she feels when she’s in his presence. She cares that he feels attracted to her and that he handles her in an open, loving and caring matter. Women care that the will remain the man whom she is feeling attracted to at that time.
Indeed there are men, I’m sure, who do feel threatened by a woman’s accomplishments and will forego getting involved with her. He decides, based on what he believes about women and success that she’ll be difficult to deal with. When a man or woman uses flimsy or flawed reasoning to avoid an opportunity for a relationship, he or she may be consciously or unconsciously, avoiding deeper issues of abandonment, fear of intimacy or of being hurt. On the other hand, there are women who have allowed their success to create in them an attitude of superiority thus reinforcing some men’s belief that successful women are challenging. Women must be careful that their verbal as well as non-verbal messages aren’t communicating something other than what she wants to communicate.
There will always be men who will feel intimidated by a woman’s success but that should not be a woman’s issue to fix. Women should not waste their time with a man who thinks that way in the first place. For women who believe independence and success are intimidating factors for men, it might be helpful for her to ask objective family members or friends to tell her how she is perceived by them. But for sure, women will never intimidate a man who likes you for who you are by being who you are! One final word, historically, black women’s incomes have equaled or exceeded that of black men, however, that did not seem to stand in the way of black men approaching and marrying them.
Relationships: Guidelines for Becoming a Great Partner
by Nancy T. Whitaker, LCSW
With the high rate of breakups and failed marriages today, one would think that we social beings would have little faith in our ability to have successful relationships. Or that we would give up on the idea of having one. That could not be further from the truth. In spite of the doubts and challenges we have about our ability to sustain relationships, we still have an unwavering desire and need to partner with another. The pain, heartache and financial burdens that often result from breakups and divorces are not enough to discourage our quest for love. Even those of us who voice low tolerance for commitment or vow to never marry again, before long, eagerly seek another relationship.
What is it about being a couple that most of us so desperately seek? Perhaps being a couple fulfills some of our most basic human needs - the need to partner and the need for intimacy. It is true; there is nothing else in the world that makes us feel as whole and complete as a satisfying relationship with the man or woman we love.
Since relationships mean so much to us, why do we fail at making them last? One thing for sure, no one sets out to fail at love or to sabotage their relationship. We give many different answers for why we don’t sustain our relationships including, “I married the wrong person.” “He/she wasn't marriage material.” Or, “We just weren't compatible.” Rarely do we hear the real reason, “We lacked the skills to make our relationship work.”
The fact of the matter is none of us were born with the knowledge or skills needed to build and sustain a relationship. As a result, we have to recognize and acknowledge that we just don't have the necessary tools and information needed for healthy relationships. If we are to have successful relationships, we must be open and willing to learn and practice healthier patterns of thought and behavior in order to grow our relationship. Just as we learned to walk or drive a car, we have to invest in ourselves and in our relationships.
The Power of Parenting - Use It or Lose Them
by Nancy T. Whitaker, LCSW
It’s been said that the future for society is our children. Assuming this statement is true, the responsibility for our future lies squarely on the shoulders of parents. Parents have the incredible responsibility of shaping and molding the lives of their children. This responsibility translates in to power - the power to shape society and the world, by shaping the values and behavior of their children.
On the surface this sounds like an awesome task; but it’s also a challenge for parents to provide guidance and direction - to shape and mold their children. Once upon a time, it seemed easier to be a parent but the issues facing today’s parents are harder than ever. However, not everything is as dismal as it sounds; the good thing is that every parent wants to raise children who are fit for life. In working toward this goal, there are several questions to ask yourself:
(1) Do I model the behavior (morals & values) that I want my son or daughter to copy?
(2) Do I spend long hours working to provide social and physical things for my children but neglect giving them my time, attention and Christian values?
(3) Am I more of a friend to my children than a parent?
(4) Do I give my children mixed messages, saying one thing but doing another?
(5) Do I have rules for my children? Are they clearly stated, consistent and enforced?
(6) Knowing that a lazy child is difficult to teach; do I teach my children to work?
Just because raising children has become more complicated, don’t assume that the Lord will not hold you responsible for their behavior. We, as parents, really do have the obligation and power to raise children who will be up to the task of shaping our society – our world.
Tips For Living After The Divorce
by Nancy T. Whitaker, LCSW
1. Mourn the end of the marriage.
(a) Talk about the ending of the marriage and the losses associated with it.
(b) Identify the role you had in the breakup. This helps to stop the blaming.
(c) Compartmentalize your pain; don’t let it take over your life.
2. Honor and protect the children.
(a) Depending on your child’s age, talk to them about what’s going on.
(b) Let them know it is not their fault.
(c) Acknowledge that it will be painful, but with time the pain will lessen.
(d) Encourage them to talk about their feelings. Counseling can be an option.
(e) Do not let guilt stop you from being the parent.
(f) Continue to set limits and have expectations for their behavior.
(g) Do what you can to make them feel secure and protected.
(h) Do not demonize your ex to the child (ren).
(i) Do not bring a new partner into the relationship too soon.
3. Increase your self-esteem.
(a) Frame this time as a new beginning.
(b) Get to know yourself again. (Likes/dislikes - strengths/weaknesses).
(c) Attach value to yourself. Do only those things that bring meaning and healing to your life.
(d) Do a physical and psychological makeover.
4. Develop a support system.
(a) Reach out to family and friends.
5. Be patient – ‘this too shall pass.’
(a) Allow adequate time to grieve the loss.
(b) Journal about your thoughts and feelings.
(c) Get proper rest and relaxation.
(d) Counseling can be an option.
|